Nekked Dixie Chicks!!!
by H. Millard (c) 2003

To the naive, which is to say, the SLAVISH fans of the Faux News Network and the Radio Pudgy program, it was a pretty good week for finding proof of EVIL in Iraq!!! These gullible folks are quick to accept just about anything that is within the generally accepted knee-jerk psuedo-conservative and neo-conservative consensus of the moment. And, especially when it is presented by slick media phonies who claim to be conservatives, and who see the world as black and white, good and evil. It's a bell curve thing.

Unfortunately, both the phonies, and those who believe everything they say, are often incorrectly seen by the general public to be THE rightwing in America. The rhetoric of these people is almost always the same and their logic always as specious. Only their targets change. Their innate anti-intellectualism, intolerance and bigotry always take on new coats of paint so that while these folks often are trendily politically correct, and while they are careful to rail against things that, de rigueur, they feel they must rail against, their true natures are still evident. Thus, by way of example, these phonies will often rail against "RACISM," without even knowing what they're talking about!!!!

A serial email I received this week seems to illustrate the type of ANTI-INTELLECTUALISM, INTOLERANCE and BIGOTRY that we see too often today and which has been especially apparent in connection with the Bushies' war against Iraq!!!

The email had A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT HEADERS indicating that it had probably been sent and resent and forwarded numerous times before it came unbidden to me from one of those so-called conservative OUTFITS whose targeted email list I somehow got on as a result of doing something or other. The identity of the original writer of the email had been lost long before I got it, and it may have picked up or lost comments along the way. And, maybe the original writer would now be bemused to see what had become of his email. Thomas Newton holds sign "I am ashamed the Dixie Chicks are from Texas"The something I did to get on the email list may have been to attend, report about, and comment on a national political convention a couple of years ago. I seem to remember giving out my email address to some guy in a cowboy hat who looked a little like Ben Gunn on speed. But, he may not be the writer of the email. At any rate, ever since that convention, I've been getting a daily ration of shrill emails telling me that I must quickly contact someone or other, usually congressmen, to demand they do or not do something.

Dixie ChicksThe present email urged me to immediately BOYCOTT the Dixie Chicks and call country and western bars to tell them to THROW OUT Dixie Chicks CDs!!!! Just in case I couldn't tell how important this email request was, the writer used a lot of upper case letters and plenty of EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! Geez. He was making my eyes go deaf with the SHOUTING!!!! The writer wrote that we should, and I quote: "DEPORT THEM for urinating on our lst Amendment, spitting on our troops and disgustingly appearing on the cover of "ENTERTAINMENT' Magazine NAKED with 'TRAITOR' and other anti-American words painted on their vile, perverted naked bodies!!!" He also wrote that we should "RUN THESE ANTI-AMERICAN VILE WOMEN OUT OF BUSINESS AND OUT OF AMERICA IN THE NEXT 3 MONTHS!!!!!"

Geez. NAKED WOMEN? He used "naked" twice. I have a feeling he would pronounce it nekked. "Naked bodies!!!"? And, I'm supposed to not like them for THAT?!!!!! Is HE NUTS???? I figured the email writer has some sort of subconscious SEX hang-up. I tried to mentally profile the writer from what he had written. The negative comments about women and sex first led me to think he might be one of those bloodless, nerdy, young Republicansyoung conservative Republicans who girls won't talk to and who have sublimated their youthful hormone driven urges--WHICH EVEN THEY HAVE-- into PTA acceptable conservative channels TO SERVE AS AN EMOTIONAL DEFENSE for being unpopular with THE GIRLS!!! You can find this clique at college coffee shops on Friday and Saturday nights--DATE NIGHTS--talking about Ayn Rand and Bill Buckley. They're the seemingly asexual ones with all the pimples.

However, since the Dixie Chicks are apparently a country group, and given some other things in the email, I changed my mind and wondered if perhaps the writer of the email might be part of the slack-jaw, stupid, conservative fringe that has caused the right to be stereotyped as low I.Q. buffoons walking around with cow pies smeared on their boots. I now pictured a guy with a pot belly and a fat neck, instead of a Ben Gunn or a young conservative Republican nerd. shoveling manureI could be wrong, but the final mental picture I got was of a guy who spends hours in front of his TV watching the Faux News Network, and who listens to the Radio Pudgy radio program while he's shoveling manure. Actually, I apologize to manure shovelers. I had a job doing that once. The MANURE I shoveled was at least honest manure and came from a part of the animal that had more brains than the heads of some neoconservatives!!! Of course, it is possible that the writer might just be a PR guy for the Dixie Chicks who is trying to use reverse psychology to pump up sales by creating controversy and interest in the NEKKED DIXIE CHICKS!!!!

Although the above email, which actually went on much longer than the part I quoted, was about the Dixie Chicks, it could have been about anyone who the writer or his intellectual forbears didn't like because these people or groups spoke out on important issues. Assuming, arguendo, that the email was legit and not a PR ploy, one hopes that people who receive it will attribute it to this one person alone and not to the RIGHT as a whole.

Now, with the above as wallpaper, we can discuss THE PROOF!!!

old prospectorTo be sure, we didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, but, by gum, its just a matter of time until we find them. We know this because the Bushies say so, and since the Bushies are in power and control the black op intelligence agents, we can be pretty sure that WMDs will be found in Iraq, as surely as gold was found on worthless land being sold in the Old West. Never mind that the gold smelled of shotgun powder and was pretty easy to find by the marks who had been led to find it. What? People would plant things to get what they want? Oh sure, we all know about salted gold, but this is different. Oh sure, we've heard of cops using drop guns, but this is different. Oh sure, we've heard of Nixon's antics, but this is different. Oh, sure we've heard of Clinton's lies, but this is different. "The Bushies wouldn't lie to us," say the Stepfordized drones of post-American America. REAL PATRIOTS know that!!! Don't let yourself be put in the same boat as those NEKKED, PERVERTED, URINATING Dixie Chicks, Bubba!!! Stand up right now and SALUTE!!

secret documentINCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS were found this week!!!!!! Yep. And, just to show cynics that the documents are genuine, it was reported that they weren't found by U.S. military personnel, who cynics might say planted them, but by reporters. Go figure. Don't that just beat all, though, Bubba? The press was allowed to go through some buildings that presumably our military had already gone through and, wonder of wonders, reporters found some incriminating documents that the military had missed.

Cynics, who are probably fans of the NEKKED, PERVERTED, URINATING Dixie Chicks, may be saying that one thing that makes them suspicious is that governments of even the most backward nations have various standing orders for the destruction of sensitive materials if there is a danger of them falling into enemy hands. So, how is it that some reporters could just stumble across such papers in Iraq? Something smells, and it ain't manure or urine, Bubba. At least that's what cynics might say. Well, to these cynics, I have this to say: Don't ever try to get a job at the Faux News Network. They don't like your ANTI-AMERICAN Dixie Chicks kind around them parts!!!! Anyway, I also stumbled upon some proof of the EVIL in Iraq!!! Yep. It was a letter that was right there in front of my house. The military missed it, but I found it. When you read the following, I'm sure you'll agree that it's a good thing we attacked Iraq when we did. This is, of course, a self-authenticating letter, that you must accept as true. If you don't believe this letter, you're UN-AMERICAN, and you probably listen to the Dixie Chicks and still eat FRENCH FRIES!!! You should be DEPORTED!!!

Here's the incriminating letter:

August 1, 2001

Shiite Howdy Osama,

It's your old friend Saddam here wishing you a Sunny day. Say, if I give you millions of dollars, will you have some of your guys hijack some planes and fly them into the World Trade Towers in New York City on September 11?

I'd have some of my people do it, but I have all of them busy manufacturing weapons of mass destruction including nukerler bombs, and making plans for world domination. I've also been very busy gassing my own people, and throwing babies out of cribs.

I hate those Americans so much because they are a good, decent, freedom loving people. Their president, George W. Bush, is truly a freedom and democracy loving man. He's nice looking and intelligent, too. I hate him because he represents all that is good in the world and I represent all that is evil. I want the Americans attacked to take away their freedom. I also hate those neocons because they are also freedom loving and democracy loving people, and they are not Zionists. It's just a coincidence that many of them are Jewish and that they want the same things that Israel wants. I hate Israel too, because the Israelis are also freedom and democracy loving people. Say, did you know that Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East?

Sadam and friendsI'm having a torture party this weekend at my place. Some people said bad things about me, so I'm going to pull out their fingernails. I may also turn their skin into lampshades and the rest of them into bars of soap, or maybe I'll put them in ovens. When my sons aren't busy looking at their porno collections, they like to torture people also. The Nazis are our heroes. We also really love the French, the Syrians and the Iranians as well as the North Koreans. Our favorite singing group is the Dixie Chicks. Say, we also love the liberals and the Democrats in the U.S.

Your pal,


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