Kudzu Chili
friction by H. Millard (c) 2003

"I'm tellin' ya man, they're human kudzu," said Stinky Bob.


"Kudzu you moron, k-u-d-z-u."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

kudzuWhen you take something out of its regular habitat and put it in another habitat you sometimes have problems. Someone brought this crazy plant kudzu to America from Japan and forgot to bring its natural enemies,whatever the hell they are, so the creepy stuff is growing all over the South. So me guys tried herbicides on it and it just grew faster. It's gotten so bad and so expensive to remove, that scientists are trying to figger out how to get humans to want the stuff for food. If it catches on as food, it'll soon go the way of many fish and other animals as we eat them out of existence. If, on the other hand, we don't like the taste and won't eat it, it'll take over. See, it's like this with Mexicans.


The big fat cat industrialists are importing them to do the stoop labor that blacks are now too uppity to do and which white people figger is too low for them to do. So, I was trying to figger a way to handle all these Mexicans and our immigration problem. That's when I had a revelation. It came to me like a lightning bolt."

"What came to you?"

"We gotta eat 'em, man."

"Eat them? Mexicans?"

"Yeah. See, like I said, that's what they're starting to do with kudzu. If they can turn it into a delicacy then people will eat it into oblivion."

"How about we just elect some politicians who will enact a realistic immigration policy?"

"Geez, you're really naive, man," said Stinky. "They won't do that. They want the votes of immigrants and recent immigrants. They like their cushy government jobs and won't risk being voted out of office."

"Yeah, but Stinky, I know you're not being serious. We can't and won't eat people. That's just absurd."

"Mexican Cook Book""Maybe now. But let us turn a little more Third World and let the world keep getting crazy, and you'll see. It'll give us an endless supply of food. Hell, we've just about stripped the ocean of fish and we have to work hard to raise cattle, so why not just let the Third World types breed as they want and then, we'll eat 'em. Geez, we can even let them mow our lawns and all that other stuff they do, and then when it comes time to pay 'em, we'll just throw 'em in the pot and kill two birds with one stone, if you know what I mean."

"Suppose they start eating us, too?" I asked.

"I expect they will. It's a dog eat dog universe, muchacho. Eat or be eaten is the rule."

Chili Cook OffChili Cook Off Winners!After our conversation about kudzu, I didn't see Stinky for a few months. Then, one day I went to a Chili Cook Off because I had heard Stinky was entering the contest with his Secret Recipe Kudzu Chili. As I was walking slowly down the line of chili cooks, I just happened to be a few steps behind a grossly fat Mexican guy. Stinky apparently saw me and the Mexican guy, because he pointed at the fat Mexican, then into the top of his chili pot and then licked his lips and rubbed his stomach. I figured that Stinky was just continuing with what I thought was a joke from the last time we talked. Anyway, when I went over to say a few words to Stinky, he looked really mad and his blood vessels were popping out and his face was turning purple and then he screamed "Why'd ya let him get away?!"

I declined an offer to sample Stinky's chili.

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Roaming the Wastelands 1. ROAMING THE WASTELANDS
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