by H. Millard (c) 2004
H. Millard

As you may recall, a couple of months ago I was thinking of immigrating to George W. Bush's dude ranch down in Texas where I could take part in the illegal alien immigrant dance of loitering on street corners, using the local emergency rooms for sniffles, and in all ways taking part in the freebies that citizens have been forced to supply illegal alien immigrants by the elites in our society. Well, I decided against the move to George's place. It looks too dusty and dry. Besides, unlike ordinary citizens, George has all those Secret Service types running around protecting George's land (but not yours) from illegal aliens. Of course this just leads to the thought that if George lived in the real world, he'd know the concerns of real people. But he doesn't. So he doesn't.

tanning boothblackfaceAnyway, I've now got a new destination for my family and me: Jack Kemp's place. Kemp is part of the out of touch with ordinary people elite wing of the GOP and lives someplace near D.C., where he's close enough to show up on Sunday morning TV political programs in case anyone still cares what he has to say. That location may be more to my liking. I figure Kemp--he of the almost Jack Kennedy hair style and the too white shirts--will welcome us if we can make just a few cosmetic changes to our appearance. We're not dumb. We know that we're too white to be part of the favored immigrant class in post-American America these days. No problemo, muchachos. I figure we can brown ourselves pretty good with some of those bottle tanning products and a little shoe polish. Then, if we hide our blue eyes with dark glasses and darken our hair a little, we should be acceptable.

Neil DiamondKemp's house as a destination came to mind after I read his column Race to the Border on Town The first paragraph brought a tear to my soon-to-be-an-illegal-alien-immigrant eye: "One of my all-time favorite songs" wrote Mr. Kemp, " is Neil Diamond's 'They're Coming to America.' I know it drives the xenophobes on the right crazy and the illiberals on the left into a frenzy, but it reflects my view that people come to America not for welfare but for work, not for food stamps but for their families." (emphasis added) By the way, notice Kemp's Texas two-step of criticizing both the right and the left in order to portray himself as a sensible guy in the middle. It's related to that grade school level swill you hear sometimes when people say, "Well those on the left don't like me and those on the right don't like me so I must be doing something right and I must be in the middle." Barf.

Anyway, my family and I have heard the substance of your comments Mr. Kemp. You've described my family and me. We want to come to your house, not for welfare but for work, not for food stamps but for our family. We'll even arrive singing some verses of Diamond's song to get your compassion flowing in our direction. Of course, if welfare and food stamps are available when we get there we'll be pleased to partake. Hey, it's our right. We're immigrants--we're coming to Kemp's house.

Paul McCartneyNow, Mr. Kemp, I know that there are mean xenophobes on the right who will probably say that we have no right to move into your house, but we can dismiss these people as bigots and racists, right ? We don't like their kind around these parts as we sing along with that great philosopher Neil Diamond. Say, Mr. Kemp, speaking of deep philosophy, what do you think of Paul McCartney's song Ebony and Ivory? Like, wow man, it's really heavy. Gee, if black and white piano keys can get along, golly.... well, like, gosh. I'm pretty sure that a guy with your intellect understands.

Of course, some of those right wing xenophobes might think that there's nothing noble or heroic about immigrating to another country either legally or illegally. They might say that all immigrants--even the ancestors of Americans who have been in this country for hundreds of years--simply did what all living things are programmed to do: they moved to where they were more comfortable. It doesn't even require much thought. Cold here. Move to warm there. Wet here. Move to dry there. Crowded here. Move to uncrowded there. The xenophobes might even say that now that they've made this land even more comfortable so that it suits their sensibilities, others want to come here to take it. Some of these racist, hate filled, bigoted Xenophobes might even say many of these immigrants are a little like burglars. Well, haters, burglars don't burgle because of welfare or food stamps. They just want to do their work and support their families--they want comfort--just like immigrants. You xenophobes had better listen to Neil Diamond's song some more to get the deeper meaning for humanity. Then, maybe you'll give up your hate and sing along with Mr. Kemp.

Su casa es mi casaSay, Mr. Kemp, when we get to your place, would you mind if we used your favorite chair? It wouldn't be fair to make us sit on the floor or on hard chairs. We're immigrants. Now, I've never seen your house, but from the way you dress with those stiff looking shirts, I have a feeling you've got your place decorated in ways that may not meet my tastes. Could we maybe make your place feel more like where we came from? And, would you mind having your family speak my language so we can understand what's going on? Thanks. Say, let's break out into song. Let's change the words of Mr. Diamond's song to: "They're Coming to Kemp's House."

Leave the light on, Mr. Kemp. We'll be there soon. Su casa es mi casa.

#  #  #


Available at finer bookstores, by phone, or on the net.

Roaming the Wastelands 1. ROAMING THE WASTELANDS
- (ISBN: 0-595-22811-9)
H. Millard’s latest sacred cow toppling book, is now
available at by clicking on this link

or by calling 1-877-823-9235.

“A fun–and sobering–thing to read” - Alamance Independent

The Outsider

2. THE OUTSIDER - (ISBN: 0-595-19424-9)
H. Millard’s underground classic story of alienation is
available at by clicking on the this link
 or by calling 1-877-823-9235:
"Millard is an important writer" New Nation News
"Millard is an original. His books aren't like your typical fiction.
If you don't know where to put his books, try the same shelf with Kerouac, Kafka, Sartre and Nietzsche"
- a reader.


Recommend this page to a friend